Songs

I love poetry but, am always afraid that people will judge me. I cannot fear people when writing is a way that I can worship the Lord. Here are some songs that I wrote with the help of Sarah Dromm. My prayer is that God would continue to break me of fearing what people think. I do not have to stand before people one day and be judged, I will stand before him.

Song 1

Verse 1

I was nervous and scared to fail or be alone,

yet I only confided in myself.

I was doing all I needed to come out on top,

yet I left you...I left you out.

Chorus

I used my crocked speech

to what I wanted and your plan still happened.

I held on to my pride

and fixated on myself but you waited patiently.

Verse 2

I was trapped in a battle of unbelief,

yet you never regretted choosing me.

I lived passively and found contentment

in my life. All the while you knew my heart.

Chorus

I used my crocked speech

to what I wanted and your plan still happened.

I held on to my pride

and fixated on myself but you waited patiently.

Song 2

Verse 1

I'm afraid to look back

on who I used to be.

Ashamed of where I've been

I hide my face.

I'm not who I was back then.

The people I've loved,

I never fully did.

The achievements I've made

were for selfish desires.

Chorus

Help me let it go.

Help me run to you.

Wipe those tears from my eyes.

Be my comfort now.

Your faithfulness is true.

Verse 2

I'm afraid to move forward

'cause all of my past.

Fear of the unknown,

I begin to settle.

I'm not as strong as you say.

You tell me to trust

but, I don't know how.

The price that you paid

was love in itself.

Chorus

Help me follow you.

Help me run to you.

Wipe those tears from my eyes.

Be my comfort now.

Your faithfulness is true.

Bridge (x3)

Help me to trust

good things come in your timing.

Chorus

Help me follow you.

Help me run to you.

Wipe those tears from my eyes.

Be my comfort now.

Your faithfulness is true.

Songs

I love poetry but, am always afraid that people will judge me. I cannot fear people when writing is a way that I can worship the Lord. Here are some songs that I wrote with the help of Sarah Dromm. My prayer is that God would continue to break me of fearing what people think. I do not have to stand before people one day and be judged, I will stand before him.

Song 1

Verse 1

I was nervous and scared to fail or be alone,

yet I only confided in myself.

I was doing all I needed to come out on top,

yet I left you...I left you out.

Chorus

I used my crocked speech

to what I wanted and your plan still happened.

I held on to my pride

and fixated on myself but you waited patiently.

Verse 2

I was trapped in a battle of unbelief,

yet you never regretted choosing me.

I lived passively and found contentment

in my life. All the while you knew my heart.

Chorus

I used my crocked speech

to what I wanted and your plan still happened.

I held on to my pride

and fixated on myself but you waited patiently.

Song 2

Verse 1

I'm afraid to look back

on who I used to be.

Ashamed of where I've been

I hide my face.

I'm not who I was back then.

The people I've loved,

I never fully did.

The achievements I've made

were for selfish desires.

Chorus

Help me let it go.

Help me run to you.

Wipe those tears from my eyes.

Be my comfort now.

Your faithfulness is true.

Verse 2

I'm afraid to move forward

'cause all of my past.

Fear of the unknown,

I begin to settle.

I'm not as strong as you say.

You tell me to trust

but, I don't know how.

The price that you paid

was love in itself.

Chorus

Help me follow you.

Help me run to you.

Wipe those tears from my eyes.

Be my comfort now.

Your faithfulness is true.

Bridge (x3)

Help me to trust

good things come in your timing.

Chorus

Help me follow you.

Help me run to you.

Wipe those tears from my eyes.

Be my comfort now.

Your faithfulness is true.

Taking time to reflect on what is really important to me didn't take long because the answer is...myself. I am important to me! As bad and selfish as that sounds, it is true. I think that the world revolves around me and that everything is better when I am fully satisfied. For a split moment I felt that satisfaction. The Lord asked me, Nicole are you ready to hand over your wallet? That is a weird question I know, let me explain. I went to a New Year's conference at DC...go team 2!! haha At that conference there was a speaker that used an analogy about idols. The wallet was a representation of the idols we haven't surrendered. All of my idols are there because I think that they will give me what God so patiently withholds (even though His timing is perfect). The thing that really blows my mind is why I continue to place things before the one that has never let me down. Why am I that psycho? This year I pray that God will grant me the grace to overcome my selfishness and bless me with a true desire to seek Him above all things. I do not want to live by a check list, marking off what I have or have not done. I want to live by seeking God's heart! I want to share the joy that He gives. One song that has really been breaking me down is the Come thou fount. The part that says prone to wonder, Lord I feel it, prone to leave the one I love. That is so true. We are all sinners and I am thankful that He doesn't give up on us.

Random thoughts

So I am at a point in my life where I feel like tons of decisions have to be made. Where do I go after college? I want to go to seminary more than anything. I have so many fears going into it like am I really smart enough, am I truly called to it, will I feel more alone than ever, will distance push everyone I know further away from me? Speaking of pushing my real friends away, who are my real friends? Seriously, I feel like my friends change yearly. I know God puts people in your life for seasons but, I would like some stability God. That is selfish for me to say I know but I am going to be real. I am so frustrated. When I look at so many other people who have their set of besties that have been in their lives for years or who knows them so deeply, I want that. Then I think about how much attachment problems they are probably facing or how much they are missing out on because they are only focused on those certain people. It is a constant battle that I face, to know that God is the only one who will never fail me. I think it is AMAZING that God is that faithful, it is just hard to think that God will never leave me or forsake me. Even though that is promised I struggle with falling into believing the lies. The next question is why are some people always mean? Some people are so nice, until they feel threatened or attacked and then all of the nice characteristics I see as nice are gone. My teacher for instance, cursed me out. I am sorry when has that ever been OK. I was actually not even sassy when he did that...at least tell me off when I deserve it, not when i mumble under my breath to myself about nothing!!
Certain people keep things from others because it will hurt them. Keeping things from people, when they deserve to know, hurts more people. PAIN, FORGIVENESS, CONFUSION, TRUST...all seems to be what my life is lately. Having to deal with things is life. If we didn't go through trails and things we may possibly never realize the importance of Jesus. We would not see our need for the cross. I understand why suffering happens. It happens to lead to perseverance which leads to hope. And hope in the Lord won't disappoint. I am seeing that people can not be trusted fully, ever. People will constantly fail you!! God is the only constant...what a joy that is though when I really stop focusing on myself and see that that is the best gift ever. God sees all my bad stuff and still loves me just the same. I am so thankful. So all of the fear and the uncertainties I have just rambled on and on about can all be solved by our Lord. I am just so worried about myself and my own personal sufferings that I forget how big God is!

Oh the creepy things

This past couple weeks have been creepy...down right creepy. Okay so here is what happened, about a week ago I come home to see all the lights on. The lights inside and outside were on (those of you who know one of my roommates Carrie, knows this is a big NO NO). So, my first thought is, oh great my roommates are dead! They are dead and I am about to walk in on them dead. Then I realized, fast, how stupid I was letting myself become. I walked on in and brushed my teeth and got ready for bed. As I laid in the bed I heard this strange noise like someone was climbing the side of my house to come get me. I honestly thought someone might be in my closet. So, I looked. I looked in my closest, out the window, and slowly walked down the hall. I usually don't get scared, but this night was different. I woke Jessica up, thinking she was the one to leave the lights on. As I woke her up she yelled OHHHHH GOOODDDD....which almost made me piss myself. haha I was like Jessica I think someone is about to come in my room to kill me. For those of you who know Jess picture her saying this and you will laugh. Oh it's just that dern cretter...hahaha That was all I needed to hear. She had left the lights on to scare it off. That really worked. Lol

The next creepy thing that happened. Two nights ago a lot of girls stayed the night and we were all up really late. We had been asleep maybe a hour when a loud sireon went off. FOUR TIMES. Again Jessica and I run to find one another and realize that there is no fire, no carbonmonoxide, nothing...So what the heck was that dang noise. It is four in the morning and me and jess are sitting there thinking about what all it could have been...all the other girls were just like oh let us know if we should get up haha. Jess procedes to explain that carbonmonoxide (however you spell it) is not able to been seen or smelt. I was like Jess, do we have anything that runs off gas? So we checked everywhere and found nothing we thought it could be. We finally looked in Jess's room at the smoke detector light. It was flashing green. Which we took to mean we needed a new battery and it went off as a warning. I called my mom to conferm we were right...I guess we were because we are still alive. Now aren't we so lucky that thing went off four times at four in the morning to warn us? hmm

Last freaky thing, I was driving home tonight around ten. My drive home consists of dark windy roads...and my hatch on the back of my car flies open. Not the whole door just the window part. I don't even know how to do that. I figured it was nothing but all those scary movie plotts entered my mind. What if someone had hidden in my car and was about to kill me but couldn't climb up to the front because of the windy roads haha. I checked my car real good when I got home.

On the fun of creepy things. Living in the woods is so great. I often have to go check outside and make sure nothing is here because we have wild animals that think they are always welcomed. Fun times

Freshmen move in

Seriously these past few days have been an eye opener to how nasty my heart is! My heart is so dang prideful!! For the people that know that, they are probably agreeing at this very moment. But last night something so simple happened in front of me. The situations showed me my sin in a different way then ever before (or maybe in the same way but every other time I over looked it).
Freshmen move in day was yesterday. Which meant that we could help people move in, tell them a little about the campus, pretty much hint around for their phone numbers so that we can later stalk them and share with the the Gospel haha, and invite them to hang out with us. The place that we were all going to be hanging out was the practice soccer field to play ultimate frisbee. A quick update aside from the frisbee...two weeks ago I was being stupid and separated my AC from my clavicle. Which means I should not have been moving people in (which really I didn't do much carrying things because Ashley Adams and I made sure we had a chance to talk to people) or playing frisbee. But because I am so prideful and my heart wants to be the strongest (aka wanting to carrying a freaking refrigerator) or the best (aka making awesome plays in a PICK UP GAME OF FRISBEE), I played frisbee. The great thing about this day was that the LORD pointed out girls for us to talk to.
So, we invited the people to come and a lot of people showed up. As a few girls and I were walking from the parking lot to the playing field we noticed that three girls looked lost. Well, of course, they were freshies. We invited them to play. After playing for a little bit the girls wanted to leave so I had to make sure I got their numbers...my friend whitney and I were getting their numbers when we both turn around at the same time. As we were turning around we noticed that two people were running full spead ahead at each other. There was no time to yell watch out before they collided. This is when God started showing me how dirty my heart is. One of the people that was in that accident was a girl and the other was a boy. The girl immediately reached out to help the boy quickly saying sorry for what she had done....UMM I am sorry what had she done wrong at this point?? Her heart was so genuine. Then she realized she was bleeding. It was not just a scratch people, her head was gushing blood. After she noticed she was bleeding pretty badly she asked us to call her roommate who would gladly take her to the hospital so we didn't have to go out of our way, again saying she was sorry. I am still curious as to what she did wrong lol. We called her roommate but did not wait for her to come. We asked her to simply meet us at the hospital with all her ID. The girl called her parents and calmly told them what was going on and what they needed to do. This sweet girl had blood all over her face and on me and Whitney at this point, yet did not get upset at all. She even asked us to take pictures so she could see them later. After we get to the hospital and her roommate gets there Whitney and I give them time to talk for a minute. We look back to see them praying...why had we not thought to do that? The girl was so nice to everyone. She made casuel conversations with everyone making them feel good about themselves. She even asked us if she could pray for us?? Hmmm she is getting her face stitch up and she wants to pray for us?? We quickly said thanks but could we maybe just pray for you since you are the one in the hospital.
She also did not stop asking about how the boy was (who by the way lost a tooth). It really did show me that I need to stop being so fixated on Nicole. I always think about me and what I want. Am I going to be OK or am I going to enjoy something. I need to stop pushing myself to be the strongest or the best and just be content in who Christ has made me to be. Instead of bragging because of those things (which will never satisfy me) brag about what Christ did for all of us. What an eye opener...PTL

Memories

Having a house in the woods is relaxing. I have had a week and one day since I moved into my new house (aka the barn). I have enjoyed getting time around my new roommates and visitors. Today has been one of those days where you just want to sit and think/sleep. I have been able to reflect a lot on my life today. I am so thankful that the LORD has chosen me. I am so unworthy and undeserving yet he wants me. I have been thinking about where I would have been if I would have continued down the road I was on...and quite frankly it is a scary thought. I have experienced so much, loved so many people, been loved by so many people, enjoyed so much, hated so much, been caught and gotten away with doing things I should not have done, encouraged and been encouraged by others, and been blessed with more than anyone could ask for. Today I really have thought about the people that have been in my life. It is so sad to look back and think about those people and realize that you do not know them anymore. Most people call this growing up but, to me, it is moving on. Was I really that blinded and in denial of how people really were, was I that same way? In my home town there are almost no girls my age who are not mothers with no father figure for their babies, addicted to drugs, high school graduates who are jobless and living at home with no other desire for their future, or lesbians. Now, my point in saying that is not to judge (although my sin is that at some point I do judge), my point is that I could have been right there. They are still there. So, I have moved on? WHY!!! They are lives too. They are lives that if they don't hear about the LORD they are going to be in Hell. Instead of wanting more for them, I put myself above them because I think they are too far gone. When really, I should have been too far gone. But, Jesus did not give up on me. There were people that really loved me. How would have done anything for me. Have I kept in touch with them? Some of them. Or what about the people who seem to be doing alright? Do I think that since they are good people they must know God? I do. I assume that since they seem to care about others and strive to live a life worth imitating they must be Christians. Who am I to think I can know their hearts. I am being a chicken and taking the easy way out instead of asking how their relationship or lack of relationship with our creator looks like. I love to share...why is it hard for me to share with people from my past. Especially, when I have not been in their lives for a while. Do I secretly care what they think of me? You bet! These are the people that have seen me at my worst and best. They have seen me play the role of a good girl while living a secret life.
I don't want to just give up on the people from my past. I don't want to act or think that I am better than anyone, I know I am not. I do not at all want to forget where I have been! I once cared a whole lot for many people that I have ignored out of fear that they will reject the truth...when I could be used to share so they know they have the option of rejecting or accepting. I want to be so raw with these people that I would not be ashamed to admit my flaws and my mistakes. I want to be able to show them through those mistakes there is a thing called grace. Who knows what is going to happen with these people. All I know is that my eyes are definitely opened to how I live my life selfishly. I am able to relax and rest in the promise of eternal life. Sharing that promise is how I want to live my life. Thank goodness for change and for a new place to live...today has been a huge eye opener.