Random thoughts

So I am at a point in my life where I feel like tons of decisions have to be made. Where do I go after college? I want to go to seminary more than anything. I have so many fears going into it like am I really smart enough, am I truly called to it, will I feel more alone than ever, will distance push everyone I know further away from me? Speaking of pushing my real friends away, who are my real friends? Seriously, I feel like my friends change yearly. I know God puts people in your life for seasons but, I would like some stability God. That is selfish for me to say I know but I am going to be real. I am so frustrated. When I look at so many other people who have their set of besties that have been in their lives for years or who knows them so deeply, I want that. Then I think about how much attachment problems they are probably facing or how much they are missing out on because they are only focused on those certain people. It is a constant battle that I face, to know that God is the only one who will never fail me. I think it is AMAZING that God is that faithful, it is just hard to think that God will never leave me or forsake me. Even though that is promised I struggle with falling into believing the lies. The next question is why are some people always mean? Some people are so nice, until they feel threatened or attacked and then all of the nice characteristics I see as nice are gone. My teacher for instance, cursed me out. I am sorry when has that ever been OK. I was actually not even sassy when he did that...at least tell me off when I deserve it, not when i mumble under my breath to myself about nothing!!
Certain people keep things from others because it will hurt them. Keeping things from people, when they deserve to know, hurts more people. PAIN, FORGIVENESS, CONFUSION, TRUST...all seems to be what my life is lately. Having to deal with things is life. If we didn't go through trails and things we may possibly never realize the importance of Jesus. We would not see our need for the cross. I understand why suffering happens. It happens to lead to perseverance which leads to hope. And hope in the Lord won't disappoint. I am seeing that people can not be trusted fully, ever. People will constantly fail you!! God is the only constant...what a joy that is though when I really stop focusing on myself and see that that is the best gift ever. God sees all my bad stuff and still loves me just the same. I am so thankful. So all of the fear and the uncertainties I have just rambled on and on about can all be solved by our Lord. I am just so worried about myself and my own personal sufferings that I forget how big God is!

Oh the creepy things

This past couple weeks have been creepy...down right creepy. Okay so here is what happened, about a week ago I come home to see all the lights on. The lights inside and outside were on (those of you who know one of my roommates Carrie, knows this is a big NO NO). So, my first thought is, oh great my roommates are dead! They are dead and I am about to walk in on them dead. Then I realized, fast, how stupid I was letting myself become. I walked on in and brushed my teeth and got ready for bed. As I laid in the bed I heard this strange noise like someone was climbing the side of my house to come get me. I honestly thought someone might be in my closet. So, I looked. I looked in my closest, out the window, and slowly walked down the hall. I usually don't get scared, but this night was different. I woke Jessica up, thinking she was the one to leave the lights on. As I woke her up she yelled OHHHHH GOOODDDD....which almost made me piss myself. haha I was like Jessica I think someone is about to come in my room to kill me. For those of you who know Jess picture her saying this and you will laugh. Oh it's just that dern cretter...hahaha That was all I needed to hear. She had left the lights on to scare it off. That really worked. Lol

The next creepy thing that happened. Two nights ago a lot of girls stayed the night and we were all up really late. We had been asleep maybe a hour when a loud sireon went off. FOUR TIMES. Again Jessica and I run to find one another and realize that there is no fire, no carbonmonoxide, nothing...So what the heck was that dang noise. It is four in the morning and me and jess are sitting there thinking about what all it could have been...all the other girls were just like oh let us know if we should get up haha. Jess procedes to explain that carbonmonoxide (however you spell it) is not able to been seen or smelt. I was like Jess, do we have anything that runs off gas? So we checked everywhere and found nothing we thought it could be. We finally looked in Jess's room at the smoke detector light. It was flashing green. Which we took to mean we needed a new battery and it went off as a warning. I called my mom to conferm we were right...I guess we were because we are still alive. Now aren't we so lucky that thing went off four times at four in the morning to warn us? hmm

Last freaky thing, I was driving home tonight around ten. My drive home consists of dark windy roads...and my hatch on the back of my car flies open. Not the whole door just the window part. I don't even know how to do that. I figured it was nothing but all those scary movie plotts entered my mind. What if someone had hidden in my car and was about to kill me but couldn't climb up to the front because of the windy roads haha. I checked my car real good when I got home.

On the fun of creepy things. Living in the woods is so great. I often have to go check outside and make sure nothing is here because we have wild animals that think they are always welcomed. Fun times

Freshmen move in

Seriously these past few days have been an eye opener to how nasty my heart is! My heart is so dang prideful!! For the people that know that, they are probably agreeing at this very moment. But last night something so simple happened in front of me. The situations showed me my sin in a different way then ever before (or maybe in the same way but every other time I over looked it).
Freshmen move in day was yesterday. Which meant that we could help people move in, tell them a little about the campus, pretty much hint around for their phone numbers so that we can later stalk them and share with the the Gospel haha, and invite them to hang out with us. The place that we were all going to be hanging out was the practice soccer field to play ultimate frisbee. A quick update aside from the frisbee...two weeks ago I was being stupid and separated my AC from my clavicle. Which means I should not have been moving people in (which really I didn't do much carrying things because Ashley Adams and I made sure we had a chance to talk to people) or playing frisbee. But because I am so prideful and my heart wants to be the strongest (aka wanting to carrying a freaking refrigerator) or the best (aka making awesome plays in a PICK UP GAME OF FRISBEE), I played frisbee. The great thing about this day was that the LORD pointed out girls for us to talk to.
So, we invited the people to come and a lot of people showed up. As a few girls and I were walking from the parking lot to the playing field we noticed that three girls looked lost. Well, of course, they were freshies. We invited them to play. After playing for a little bit the girls wanted to leave so I had to make sure I got their numbers...my friend whitney and I were getting their numbers when we both turn around at the same time. As we were turning around we noticed that two people were running full spead ahead at each other. There was no time to yell watch out before they collided. This is when God started showing me how dirty my heart is. One of the people that was in that accident was a girl and the other was a boy. The girl immediately reached out to help the boy quickly saying sorry for what she had done....UMM I am sorry what had she done wrong at this point?? Her heart was so genuine. Then she realized she was bleeding. It was not just a scratch people, her head was gushing blood. After she noticed she was bleeding pretty badly she asked us to call her roommate who would gladly take her to the hospital so we didn't have to go out of our way, again saying she was sorry. I am still curious as to what she did wrong lol. We called her roommate but did not wait for her to come. We asked her to simply meet us at the hospital with all her ID. The girl called her parents and calmly told them what was going on and what they needed to do. This sweet girl had blood all over her face and on me and Whitney at this point, yet did not get upset at all. She even asked us to take pictures so she could see them later. After we get to the hospital and her roommate gets there Whitney and I give them time to talk for a minute. We look back to see them praying...why had we not thought to do that? The girl was so nice to everyone. She made casuel conversations with everyone making them feel good about themselves. She even asked us if she could pray for us?? Hmmm she is getting her face stitch up and she wants to pray for us?? We quickly said thanks but could we maybe just pray for you since you are the one in the hospital.
She also did not stop asking about how the boy was (who by the way lost a tooth). It really did show me that I need to stop being so fixated on Nicole. I always think about me and what I want. Am I going to be OK or am I going to enjoy something. I need to stop pushing myself to be the strongest or the best and just be content in who Christ has made me to be. Instead of bragging because of those things (which will never satisfy me) brag about what Christ did for all of us. What an eye opener...PTL

Memories

Having a house in the woods is relaxing. I have had a week and one day since I moved into my new house (aka the barn). I have enjoyed getting time around my new roommates and visitors. Today has been one of those days where you just want to sit and think/sleep. I have been able to reflect a lot on my life today. I am so thankful that the LORD has chosen me. I am so unworthy and undeserving yet he wants me. I have been thinking about where I would have been if I would have continued down the road I was on...and quite frankly it is a scary thought. I have experienced so much, loved so many people, been loved by so many people, enjoyed so much, hated so much, been caught and gotten away with doing things I should not have done, encouraged and been encouraged by others, and been blessed with more than anyone could ask for. Today I really have thought about the people that have been in my life. It is so sad to look back and think about those people and realize that you do not know them anymore. Most people call this growing up but, to me, it is moving on. Was I really that blinded and in denial of how people really were, was I that same way? In my home town there are almost no girls my age who are not mothers with no father figure for their babies, addicted to drugs, high school graduates who are jobless and living at home with no other desire for their future, or lesbians. Now, my point in saying that is not to judge (although my sin is that at some point I do judge), my point is that I could have been right there. They are still there. So, I have moved on? WHY!!! They are lives too. They are lives that if they don't hear about the LORD they are going to be in Hell. Instead of wanting more for them, I put myself above them because I think they are too far gone. When really, I should have been too far gone. But, Jesus did not give up on me. There were people that really loved me. How would have done anything for me. Have I kept in touch with them? Some of them. Or what about the people who seem to be doing alright? Do I think that since they are good people they must know God? I do. I assume that since they seem to care about others and strive to live a life worth imitating they must be Christians. Who am I to think I can know their hearts. I am being a chicken and taking the easy way out instead of asking how their relationship or lack of relationship with our creator looks like. I love to share...why is it hard for me to share with people from my past. Especially, when I have not been in their lives for a while. Do I secretly care what they think of me? You bet! These are the people that have seen me at my worst and best. They have seen me play the role of a good girl while living a secret life.
I don't want to just give up on the people from my past. I don't want to act or think that I am better than anyone, I know I am not. I do not at all want to forget where I have been! I once cared a whole lot for many people that I have ignored out of fear that they will reject the truth...when I could be used to share so they know they have the option of rejecting or accepting. I want to be so raw with these people that I would not be ashamed to admit my flaws and my mistakes. I want to be able to show them through those mistakes there is a thing called grace. Who knows what is going to happen with these people. All I know is that my eyes are definitely opened to how I live my life selfishly. I am able to relax and rest in the promise of eternal life. Sharing that promise is how I want to live my life. Thank goodness for change and for a new place to live...today has been a huge eye opener.

Sharing is caring

A lady from the lunch room at WCU always says sharing is caring when we share our board meals. Well this time I shared my faith because I care. I told my family about Jesus. My dad is my favorite man alive right now. He means so much to me and I have never asked him if he thinks he is going to heaven or hell. I have never asked him what he honestly thought of Jesus. Why? Because I would have rather lived in denial then to face the hard truth that he really may be on a one way path to hell! Finally, I was able to cry out to the Holy Spirit to ask for guidence to get my courage up. I said let me share something with you...with the intent to simply share Romans 6:23 to them. That did not happen I started from Adam and Eve all the way to Rev. The hard part is, he doesn't believe. I truly think he wants to.. My prayer is that in less than a year he will be walking with the Lord! My step mom however surprised me. She really could be a believer. My step brother has written a couple songs about God. My step sister is a dedicated christian. I am excited to see what comes from the talks my family and I have had. I pray that they will be willing to cry out to our savior. Sharing is caring

LP BABY

The Leadership Project is where I have spent the past two months. It was a mission trip where we are put into rooms with other girls and taught how to grow in our relationship with the Lord and share our faith. This summer has been huge for me. HUGE!! I have never wanted to submit to guys, no offense but it is hard. This summer the Lord put men at the Leadership Project who were able to show me that they are fighting to bare God's image and can be trusted. Yes, they'll fail women at times but, they can be trusted. All men are not out to hurt you, especially Godly men.
WOMEN ARE LIKE FINE CHINA!!! That is a phrase that I really took away from this summer. Women are delicate and should be treated with care. For me, someone who is over sensitive, that is great to hear. Women should complete not compete. It is true. Going back to women being like fine china...think about that statement. China can be used just like other dishes but, they are special. You don't just use your fine china when uncle bob comes over to have grilled burgers. You use it on rare occasions. That is awesome for me to imagine.
Another thing that I have learned is that my identity is not how good I am at something. It should be in Christ's blood shed and the grace I recieve! I compete at everything. Even if it is something so small, if I can be the best, I compete. One example of this is from a book I am reading called So Long Insecurity. It says, "If we can't be the most attractive, at least be the best at something. And if we can't be the best at something, at least be the hardest working, And if we can't be the hardest working, at least be the most congenial. And if we can't be the most congenial, at least be the most noticeable. And if we can't be the most noticeable, at least be the most religious. And if we can't be the most religious at least be the most exhausted." Seriously, why do we as women or even as humans put so much effort into having an identity wrapped around things the world says we should. Why do I feel worthless if I am not the best at things? It is because I am not trusting the Lord enough to find my identity in Him and I saw that this summer.
I also have been learning patience and how to hold my tongue. Everything I am thinking does not have to come out of my mouth. Until this summer, I struggled to not say exactly what I am thinking. I have learned that there is a way to be honest while not being hurtful. I am not great at it but, I am learning. I have seen the affects of saying things that I am thinking and it is not fair to others. I have seen rewards from waiting on God's timing rather than being impatient and taking things upon myself. It is amazing.
Lastly, one of the biggest things is planning isn't personality it is a necessity. You can't just say you are aiming for something and then be ok with any outcome. I have to be ok with planning things and not just going with the flow. I think at times going with the flow is important. If I just push everything off and think I will do it later, it'll never get done. It does not take away my individuality. If anything it adds to it because I care enough to plan for something to happen. It is that important to me, that I plan for it.
This summer I have experienced people doing things for others because they genually care. I have watch people understand things that before they would of thought they already knew. I have watched and experienced new friendships forming. I have watched people love the Lord in radical ways. I have seen people pour their hearts out to the lost because they know what it feels like to be there. I have watched people notice things that usually go unnoticed.
The Lord is good!! He is so perfect!!! Who wouldn't want to have a relationship with this God?? The one and only true God. Praise the Lord for good summers

From depression to wisdom

So, if anyone knows me I AM TERRIBLE WITH GOOD-BYES!! I hate them and I usually cry more than is needed or wanted. I have realized that things are always going to change and I need to be OK with that. I am not. I find my comfort in routines. Like my friends, the way I dress, what kind of music I listen to. I need to step out of my comfort zone and see it is not all about me.
Instead of being so excited for Lauren Ross and all the other people who are going to be leaving me, I was praying they would stay. UMM SELFISH! I hated to think of someone who I cherish leave me. It all roots back to two things, not trusting the Lord's plan and fear of being alone. I know that the Lord gives and takes away and the truth is I trust that Lauren and all the other people will be in my life. I also trust that things will change and possibly for the better with our friendships.
Coming home I did not know what to expect, sin is everywhere in the forsaken town. But, like last time, home has been rewarding. It has been a time of rest and I definantely needed rest. Getting my wisdom teeth out gave me many chances to take time for myself (seeing as how I could not do much because I did not want to get dry socket) and think. I got to think about many things like why I get so irritable so easily, and I really do. I get so upset for things that are not going to matter longer than 20 minutes. I realized that getting upset is how I handle things when situations get emotional. Imagine that. Being this way does not give me room for patience. I take things upon myself and try to fix them. It goes back to not trusting God. I have not trusted that his timing is perfect. So, I do and do and when nothing comes of it, I get irritated. Like looking for a place to live...we have looked at some.. let's say.. interesting boxes haha. The Lord is coming through, as He promises. And guess what, I have not done anything but pray because he is that faithful.
During my recovery of the teeth issue, I have been able to let the Lord take control in other ways besides finding a house to live in. He has placed it on many people's hearts to support me for this summer at the LP. They have been faithful in doing as the Lord has asked. I am almost at full support. The Lord is good...I just have to know and fully grasp he is soverign. And to the people who are leaving I need to pray that they fully grasp that as well. The real world is harder than we expect so I have been told. In all of this we should remember to REP THE J-MAN!!! :)

Question after question

I first want to start by saying I love coaching, in all that I have to say I really do. I am having such a hard time trying to keep my cool. I am coaching under a women who is a very nice woman but I do not agree with many things she says. A lot of it could be my pride or the fact that I want the girls to keep getting better at the game of softball. I struggle with attitudes. This year I have already had a girl quit. I did not beg her to stay on the team and the head coach wishes she were still here. Although I do know that the girl had a terrible attitude, her mom cursed me out, and she made the team chemistry go down, should I have fought through it? Should I have begged her to stay on the team (which I had done twice now)? I do not think that begging someone, who I nor the team wants to put up with, to be on the team would have been the best decision. I made the decision for the whole team. Truly did I though? Did I really think about the team or was I so taken back by a 14 year old calling me a name that I let anger consume me? The team wanted her gone because of how she treated them but did not stand up to her. So I was made out to be the bad guy. Is that how you handle people who are rude to you? You ignore it?? I tried to be nice to her, at first she was my favorite (I know we shouldn't have favorites). The other coach said it would not have happened if she would have been there. Well, why not show up once and a while? Why would you let a girl talk to the coaches, players, the other parents, and her own parents that way??? By allowing her to quit I was trying to point out to her that things are not all about her! But was I making things all about me and trying to prove my authority? The girl always back talked and if you tried to correct her she would quit...do you allow her to curse and talk others down? I am not for players putting the other girls down, so I made a decision and stuck with it. Now, I am having to pay the penalty of not having a good player on the team. The team chemistry is great now, yet I struggle with being under this other coach. She does not show up to games or practices. I know things come up...but do they that often? I know that it says in the bible all authority has given by God....but at this point in the season I wanna know why. Why does things like a sport get to me so much? I try to be so passionate and love on these girls. For the most part it is great and then I let the little things get to me. I let a 14 year old girl quitting or a coach not listening to me affect my whole day. At practice I submit to the coach. Something I have never done! Maybe that is why, God is getting glory from me learning. I cannot really ever figure it out. I just know that when I see the girls eyes light up when they make a play or get on base is amazing. I love how excited they get about the game or how they will do anything for the team. I enjoy teaching them things for the first time and seeing them finally understand. I love watching them teach each other or encourage each other. I love when they want to do consequences for their mistakes and then video tape it haha. They try hard, love racing and playing games, what more can you ask for!! Like I said, I truly love coaching!

Does anyone ever dread going home? Parents just seem to always ask you the same questions. I have always hated coming home. There seems to never be anything new going on in the town of Rutherfordton. BUT...this time it is different. I decided that I would come back when I was ready, not on anyone else's time. Usually when I come back I have to rush home to be here exacctly when I am told to be. This time I told my dad that I was going to rest and leave later. This gave me so much freedom to do the things I needed to do and to be able to have a postive outlook on how home could be. When I finally get home things seemed calm. THAT NEVER HAPPENS. Home for me typically consists of drama. Not this time, something was changing. We have recently moved into a new house with no constant reminders of the past. For me, it is bitter sweet. The old house that we moved from was where I lived for 19 years. It was all I have known, there was tons of things that reminded me of my childhood. This is where the bitter sweetness comes into play. I love to be able to look back and think of all the great times, all the trials that my family and I have been through, or to notice all the change that has occurred. I really do love remembering who I was as a child, the only bad part is that my brother was in every memory. My brother died in a car wreck almost three years ago. So, living in that house was always hard. Every where I looked I saw things that made me think back on times where he was here. It is good to think of him, but for me it is hard because it makes me miss him a whole lot. I do not like to talk about him...which is probably my sin. I do not want people to feel bad for the loss, to feel awkward or like they have to have the right words to say (truthfully there are no right words), nor do I want to continue to be "the strong one". By stong one I mean the one who always has to have it together. When I talk about him I feel like I have to not be emotional. I am an emotion person so when I talk about him it takes me out of my comfort zone. Coming home this past weekend has made me see that because we have moved out, my dad is coping a lot better. Yes, he still gets torn up but he is a normal man again. He is doing things he loves because he knows that life is still going on. For a long time I think being trapped in a house where he saw my brother and I mature, has held him hostage. He was held hostage to the idea of why...why did this happen to me? Last night I was able to talk to him about Anthony (my bro), and not feel like I had to be the one to fix things. I just let him vent. God was there showing me how to act. Normally, if you know me, I always have something to say. My mind is constantly going a hundred miles a minute. Nothing was going through my mind when I saw that my dad needed to get it all out. I did not step in and tell him how to feel or what to do to over come it. The truth is, he is slowly getting to a point where he can be at peace. I do not think that he realizes it yet or not, but I do. My step mom is good for my dad. She really does make him a better person. She has learned when it is best to give your opinion or when it is time to be quiet and observe...I guess she is picking her battles.
Coming home gave me a chance to not only enjoy having home cooked meals and someone else doing my laundry for once, it also has given me a chance to be me. Being around my family while being the real me has always been hard. I usually get quiet when I am home. That is totally not me. I have always thought I had to be Ms. Perfect or I was not good enough to fit in this house which is crazy because no one in my family is anywhere close to perfection. In my mind I felt that I had to never fail at anything. God calmed my nerves and helped me to see that who He has created me to be is flawless in His sight. He sees me as beautiful. It ultimately does not matter what my family thinks...of course i want them to love and like me but to put my identity in what they think is wrong. Having exceptance from my family does not get me salvation nor does it deeper my relationship with God. The real Nicole was able to stay up until 12:30 with her dad. 12:30....my dad is normally in the bed by 9. I am very thankful that God is moving in my family's life as well as in mine. It is great to be able to sit back and watch Him changing situations for the better. My step mom and dad have both started taking an interest in wanting to have a relationship with Jesus. I pray that it would not be empty thoughts but that they truly would surrender their hearts! God really is awesome! Last night my dad had me look up songs on the internet so we could sing and play guitar to them. One song that popped into my head was by Vince Gill....so random but so good. Go Rest High On That Mountain was the song that we first started playing. The Lord really did use that song to let my dad and I grieve together. I would never say that to my dad because I do not like to feel weak in front of him but I think we both knew it. We played it at least 14 times, no joke. It was so great!!
I dreaded coming home, I hated being asked the same questions, I hated being in the same town where so much has went wrong. Now, I am able to see that home, for now, is where my family is. If they ask the same questions they are at least caring enough to be involved. So much has went wrong, but so much has gone right. I have been so blinded by the negative things in life instead of being joyful about what I do have. God can redeem even the things that we think can never be mended. Praise Him!1