So I am at a point in my life where I feel like tons of decisions have to be made. Where do I go after college? I want to go to seminary more than anything. I have so many fears going into it like am I really smart enough, am I truly called to it, will I feel more alone than ever, will distance push everyone I know further away from me? Speaking of pushing my real friends away, who are my real friends? Seriously, I feel like my friends change yearly. I know God puts people in your life for seasons but, I would like some stability God. That is selfish for me to say I know but I am going to be real. I am so frustrated. When I look at so many other people who have their set of besties that have been in their lives for years or who knows them so deeply, I want that. Then I think about how much attachment problems they are probably facing or how much they are missing out on because they are only focused on those certain people. It is a constant battle that I face, to know that God is the only one who will never fail me. I think it is AMAZING that God is that faithful, it is just hard to think that God will never leave me or forsake me. Even though that is promised I struggle with falling into believing the lies. The next question is why are some people always mean? Some people are so nice, until they feel threatened or attacked and then all of the nice characteristics I see as nice are gone. My teacher for instance, cursed me out. I am sorry when has that ever been OK. I was actually not even sassy when he did that...at least tell me off when I deserve it, not when i mumble under my breath to myself about nothing!!
Certain people keep things from others because it will hurt them. Keeping things from people, when they deserve to know, hurts more people. PAIN, FORGIVENESS, CONFUSION, TRUST...all seems to be what my life is lately. Having to deal with things is life. If we didn't go through trails and things we may possibly never realize the importance of Jesus. We would not see our need for the cross. I understand why suffering happens. It happens to lead to perseverance which leads to hope. And hope in the Lord won't disappoint. I am seeing that people can not be trusted fully, ever. People will constantly fail you!! God is the only constant...what a joy that is though when I really stop focusing on myself and see that that is the best gift ever. God sees all my bad stuff and still loves me just the same. I am so thankful. So all of the fear and the uncertainties I have just rambled on and on about can all be solved by our Lord. I am just so worried about myself and my own personal sufferings that I forget how big God is!
