Memories

Having a house in the woods is relaxing. I have had a week and one day since I moved into my new house (aka the barn). I have enjoyed getting time around my new roommates and visitors. Today has been one of those days where you just want to sit and think/sleep. I have been able to reflect a lot on my life today. I am so thankful that the LORD has chosen me. I am so unworthy and undeserving yet he wants me. I have been thinking about where I would have been if I would have continued down the road I was on...and quite frankly it is a scary thought. I have experienced so much, loved so many people, been loved by so many people, enjoyed so much, hated so much, been caught and gotten away with doing things I should not have done, encouraged and been encouraged by others, and been blessed with more than anyone could ask for. Today I really have thought about the people that have been in my life. It is so sad to look back and think about those people and realize that you do not know them anymore. Most people call this growing up but, to me, it is moving on. Was I really that blinded and in denial of how people really were, was I that same way? In my home town there are almost no girls my age who are not mothers with no father figure for their babies, addicted to drugs, high school graduates who are jobless and living at home with no other desire for their future, or lesbians. Now, my point in saying that is not to judge (although my sin is that at some point I do judge), my point is that I could have been right there. They are still there. So, I have moved on? WHY!!! They are lives too. They are lives that if they don't hear about the LORD they are going to be in Hell. Instead of wanting more for them, I put myself above them because I think they are too far gone. When really, I should have been too far gone. But, Jesus did not give up on me. There were people that really loved me. How would have done anything for me. Have I kept in touch with them? Some of them. Or what about the people who seem to be doing alright? Do I think that since they are good people they must know God? I do. I assume that since they seem to care about others and strive to live a life worth imitating they must be Christians. Who am I to think I can know their hearts. I am being a chicken and taking the easy way out instead of asking how their relationship or lack of relationship with our creator looks like. I love to share...why is it hard for me to share with people from my past. Especially, when I have not been in their lives for a while. Do I secretly care what they think of me? You bet! These are the people that have seen me at my worst and best. They have seen me play the role of a good girl while living a secret life.
I don't want to just give up on the people from my past. I don't want to act or think that I am better than anyone, I know I am not. I do not at all want to forget where I have been! I once cared a whole lot for many people that I have ignored out of fear that they will reject the truth...when I could be used to share so they know they have the option of rejecting or accepting. I want to be so raw with these people that I would not be ashamed to admit my flaws and my mistakes. I want to be able to show them through those mistakes there is a thing called grace. Who knows what is going to happen with these people. All I know is that my eyes are definitely opened to how I live my life selfishly. I am able to relax and rest in the promise of eternal life. Sharing that promise is how I want to live my life. Thank goodness for change and for a new place to live...today has been a huge eye opener.